"The Nostalgia that is Los Banos"

I am not a big fan of UPLB but going back there yesterday gave me a certain kind of NOSTALGIA (oh how I love saying that!!) likened probably to that fondness a grown up kid has to what used to be her favorite toy. I remember vividly how I can’t wait to get out of that place shortly before graduation primarily because of some chunks of bitter memories. However, looking at it in retrospect, those chunks of bitter memories only boil down to ONE LARGE CHUNK which happens to be the break-up I had with a boyfriend who also happens to be the last boyfriend I had (as yet). From hindsight, UPLB was a haven in disguise.

How did I get there? Well, some old friends got me to star on their upcoming music video which they decided to shoot there (readers watch out for the next BIG thing!). These people are those whom I consider to be one of the many people who happens to have a SPECIAL KIND OF CONNECTION with UPLB. They even wrote a song about it! Any way, nothing against this people (I would not like to fight with a fleet) but apart from my “not being a fan”, going back there after a long time made me appreciate the place, FINALLY! I even think that maybe, JUST MAYBE I’m beginning to become one of UPLB’s “Closet fans”.

Sort of like forgiving somebody whom you once loved but has hurt you badly, what happened to me there was probably forgiveness at work.

Coincidentally, I also saw somebody from the past whom I realized I have actually forgiven. I met up with my ex boyfriend who also joined the shoot. I was’nt expecting to see him but I guess its pretty inevitable for a throng of video crew carrying cameras and singing around to bump off with a LB locale. Even the police did not spare us. We also had our fair share of unwanted attention from them. All in all, the video shoot went good. A solid whole day of running around the famous spots in Los Banos plus a “video –perfect” bonfire to end the night with summed up my nostalgic getaway.

Perhaps, I really have forgiven a lot. I realized that forgiveness never was a choice. It’s a favor you owe yourself and your past. What used to be big before your eyes may soon seem small after a long time simply because you’ve grown enough to hold these things in your hands and appreciate its beauty in all its totality. Its not big enough anymore to swallow you but has reduced its size enough to fit your palm so you can keep them in your pocket. FORGIVENESS is allowing these big things to become small letting go of the intricate details and looking at its beauty in retrospect.

Chaotic

I do think you’re chaotic
Behind a sunset in your eyes
I kinda feel subdued
Each time I fantasize
Maybe now I could be growing
Deep down your every vein
I watch you move in my head
Uncertain of the pain
Its probably magnetic
That warmth that I see
I never want to panic
When your eyes turn to me
I’ll try not to concentrate
Nor linger in your mood
I know not love nor hate
I don’t even think I should

I wanna be your noise
In this silent song you sing
I wanna be that chaos
In this peaceful world you bring
And yet somehow I wonder
Why you even chose to stay
Perhaps when all this is over
You’d leave me anyway.

So now we can continue
Leaving nothing behind our lives
Maybe nothing to remember
No signs of us to define
Buts its you who quite moved closely
As I turned my back from here
You were not looking when I left
But held my hand in misery
I cannot risk another heart ache
With a stranger I came to know
And my tears were not helping
As I waited ‘til you go

Suitcase

Got my make-up and my clothes
All the books written and told
Got all the gifts I once received
My favorite shirt with polka sleeves
A good perfume left in my bag
My huncho hat
And feathered flag
I thought I’d pack your last words
Your blurry face behind the curb
I rode my car towards the place
No sign of you in my suitcase

Eating Mangoes in Fort Strip (and other tales)

The metaphors of everyday life stung on the right places at the right time. My want to diet and my inevitable cravings create moments that I got no choice than to savor. The Fort strip has been one of my favorite after work spots primarily because my gym is in there (and go nuts donuts as well). I never pictured myself eating “Mangang hilaw” outside a fruit stand. I don’t know if this is out of sheer boredom (from waiting for my gym class) or hunger but it was an experience worth trying. Imagine me shamelessly eating my green mangoes amidst “chi-chi” people walking their dogs, eating donuts after working out and those spending more than a hundred bucks for a scoop of ice cream. It never occurred to me to find shade when I felt droplets of rain pester my eager hands busy feeding my mouth. Anyway, if you finally got the picture, what I really thought about is how the green mangoes I am eating could be likened to our real self (or maybe life in general). There’s no better time or place to take a large bite of what we really are (especially when circumstances call for it)…Basta, bottom line is..”Mag paka totoo ka!”..I never cared about the smell of the bagoong or how much of it have been left off in my hands (which I also tried to wash off)...Thing about it is that it’s a guiltless pleasure which happens to be healthy and doing me real good. I mean how many times in your life do you care less especially when you are surrounded by pretentious people, strangers and people whom who would be bumping off with in the future? Would you give a damn being known to be that girl eating green mangoes bare hands in the fort strip?