Love, Logic and Logistics

(Ramblings of a long distance love-fool)

I remember writing this once upon a time..

“…….to help myself more I thought I’ll start to calculate the extreme impossibility of seeing you again in the same way you quantify the magnitude of everything (in kilometers vs. time and money etc). A country of almost a billion people across the seas with a massive land area of three billion square meters composing of a half a million villages approximately 3,000 miles away from mine renders me an average of a million in one chances of seeing you. Not one person can justify the complexity of this statement. But then again, all these global figures are insignificant compared to the veracity of your decision”


Such is one of my many profound ramblings. While the drama of an inter-racial love affair overseas have been in fashion, the actual experience of being involved in one definitely tells a different story. Diversity indeed brings a different kind of energy in any relationship. To me, It was all about seeing a different world in one person filled with a dose of a new culture, language, adventure and possibilities that I gladly embraced in my life. Both of us were caught in an impenetrable cross-cultural bubble which somehow led us to believe that we can live for the moment until he had to proceed to his next pit stop. In view of this next chapter, the fairy-tale we both once knew has to either be ended or re-written in a new page.

My relationship now is nothing short of a case study. I would love to believe that we are somehow part of a bigger plan with an extra-ordinary destiny that any couple could experience. As I speak, I am still in this same page that sprang out from a seemingly modern-day fairy tale. I know for a fact that I will not recommend this to my children. If they can, with their sanest powers, they should try to veer away from the curse of a complicated relationship. By complicated, I mean specifically one that brings online tears and virtual loneliness but in the event that any of them end up in one, I will always start my motherly advice with the painful truth.

The whole concept of being away from the object of your affection is nothing better than watching the daily news on TV. You are there but not. You are with him (or her) but in a different time zone. Airtime in phone calls, SMS and IM are subject to invisible forms of moods and behaviors in the guise of your voices, words, pixelized video images that mostly take guesswork and analysis that fail. It is without a doubt, exhausting, expensive and uncertain. Your level of trust should be higher than any relationship given the fact that both of you cannot see what one is doing on the other side of the globe. While trust is fundamental to any relationship, its not always easy to give especially if all you have at the moment are choppy phone conversations, text messages and the memory of the last time you saw each other. For a long-distance relationship to work, I believe a couple should have one strong vision in mind and to us, it’s the goal to be together.

I can’t say that I will be ending this struggle with flying colors. While we are both trying to cross this bridge of being away from each other, the visa procedures and paperwork that come with it are not helping. We had to do more compromises than we are ready for but decided to do it anyway. If love is considered the most powerful force in the world, consular procedures should recognize this. I have come to terms with the disadvantages of my passport and with that, I know that I have yet to see the day when we can call ourselves a normal couple. I question myself why this complicated relationship is worth all the hassle and if there is one easy answer any couple could give, its just LOVE, no less. People can never quantify or question what one can do for it. In our case, we were only given a short time to physically be together and decide that its worth giving it a go. If I were to look at it in a bigger scale, we both needed the distance to validate that there’s an unwritten destiny to this. What causes this certainty is one of the few benefits only couples like us are fortunate enough to experience. While most couples in the world are trying to figure out what movie they will see next or where they would go the next weekend, we are wondering when we can actually be together again. Making a relationship work is tough per se. To be in a relationship with someone from a different race is tougher and when you add distance to the equation, it becomes hard work. I always tell myself that nothing beautiful comes easy. Take the popular case of iron put to the test fire to see its strength, I know that we will never be able to say how strong we are as a couple until we get pass all these obstacles. I have learned to see both the beauty and the reality in a long distance relationship and while I wait for the time when I can actually be in the same cross-cultural bubble we enjoyed once upon a time, I cant help but appreciate how great this experience has made our love before we can even prove it.

Playtime

I wish I am a babushka



So I can break myself down



Be right where I am now



and also be right where you are somehow



I wish these gifts will be more than just a reminder of you



Coz I will settle for nothing than to swing this world with you



I wish I am babushka..
and make this piece of us inside me whole.



Til then I'll be a fool
wishing I can make this big world small..

..Can't wait to be with you in the promiseland.

I love you everyday :)

"Hebrew Hangover" (no pun intended)

I came down to a pit

where all closure is shit

I came close to the holy land

Riding warm beneath the sand

I wanted to be your Milk and Honey

Guess what now..

Yesh Li kaki



This Hebrew hangover left me wasted

within days that trickle by

You seem so far away and lowly

Right smack at the land of the holy

Just help me let it out Honey

Motek, Yesh Li kaki

All this will come to pass

down the "jora" of the gaza mass

no pun for this Kusit

I only want to be with you

Hear me out, Yesh Li Kaki

Day 1


11:30 am - I wish I could linger with you by the elevator. The thought of never seeing you again has not fully sank in me. I just can’t stop crying. Like last night all I wanted to do was to embrace you as much as I can, as long as I can but when I turned my back as you walk through the elevator car, I let go slowly the last traces I saw of you

I left your apartment the same way I left our lives.

1:00 pm – Numb. I forced myself to get to work and treat the day like another normal day only I won’t be seeing you tomorrow, the next day, the week after or in a month. I knew that the call I got from you an hour ago was the last I may hear from you but I just decided to feel nothing. You reminded me that you love me and I decided to still feel nothing.


7:00 pm – I went back to get my car on your parking lot. This time I realized that I have to deal with the stuff you left with me. I thought how easy it will even be to forget you when half of your house have taken over mine. Even my sarcasm is now dry.

11:00 pm – I cannot sleep. I opened my PC and you are online. I buzzed you and found out of your short pit stop towards your destination. Our conversation came from a quick hi to slow heavy. My keyboards flooded momentarily with my tears as I realized more and more how hard it will be for me. I just cried myself to sleep after.

Day 2 –

7:30 AM – I could now appreciate the use of my concealer to hide the dark circles underneath my eye. It’s been awhile since I last used it. I feel like floating after a night of sleepless crying. All I know is that today would be another day when I won’t hear your voice. Another day when I just need to force a smile on my face just so nobody will bring up the topic of you.

9:00 PM – I can’t take it. The loneliness is too overwhelming. This is separation anxiety at its finest. Even though we agreed to relish our last moments with happiness, I feel like every happy place and moment we shared is beginning to bite me back one memory at a time. I sent you a message to call me and you did. I just cried and sobbed almost begging you to come back but then you told me to be strong instead. Now its pretty clear that I will never hear your voice nor see your face again.


Day 3
I miss the simple things. Your mid day call, seeing you at the end of the day. It seem like a strange new world to me, so surreal. I am basically in the same locations only without you but then everything seemed so different. I realized slowly that I just have to break the weekly pattern of having you then I can start a new. Wednesdays are usually our day. We snuggle, sleep late and wake up happy. Now to me, its different

6:00PM – I feel tired. I knew now how crying can take so much of your energy. I barely enjoyed the small meals I had. I decided to sleep early. My journey to a 10hour sleep was the best thing that has ever happened to me the past days.

Day 4

I woke up a bit recuperated. I slept too much to run a bit late for work. I still feel quite heady. Thoughts of you pass my mind in flashes. It probably helped knowing we are not breathing the same air, that you are now in a different land and time zone. Every minute still, I wonder what you are doing. I checked my email hoping that somehow you will drop me a note. No email. It hit me that now more than ever that you will just be another name on my inbox not a face that I could touch.

I decided to dance off my loneliness in the salsa floor. Something I loved doing before even meeting you…

Day 5

It’s not you I am up against here. I treated every reminder of you as a fixture, an incapable enemy that I can pound at anytime. I decided that the real enemy here is loneliness. If anything else, I can just be alone and not lonely. I began to think of my future. I also started eating which is good and bad. I ate with a friend and I realized how hungry I have been the past days.

My heart aches once in awhile although I know it will still ache some more. The good thing about it is that everybody thinks I am ok which means, I can put up a good face. I am hoping nothing weird will come around soon…Yes I guess its good that we are not talking. This solace can’t do anything more than make me ponder on other things in my life that matter.

Then to help myself more I thought I’ll start to calculate the extreme impossibility of seeing you again in the same way you quantify the magnitude of everything (in kilometers vs. time and money etc). A country of almost a billion people across three major seas from my country with a massive land area of three billion square meters composing of a half a million villages approximately 3,000 miles away from mine renders me an average of a million in one chances of seeing you. Even my MS word cannot justify the complexity of this statement. But then again, all these global figures are insignificant compared to the veracity of your decision.

10PM – I had a discussion with a friend if anyone would generally like to be the one left or the one leaving. I told him that the one leaving always has the advantage of moving on while he told me that the one left does not have the burden of the decision or regret. I can surround myself with all these clichés of love lost and coming back, of being meant to be or giving time time but they could only go so far as any insight to justify everything. I went to your friend’s house to hand him the stuff you left for him and I know that he deem it necessary to not talk about you anymore. I guess he misses you too but I know he knows how much more I miss you.



Day 6

My first Saturday waking up without you beside me. I should be happy that I am not on the same bed we shared. I woke up so early and realized how it has not been a habit for me anymore to eat breakfast at 8:00AM. I am so used to preparing my coffee shortly before you wake up for brunch, I am so used to you asking me where I want to eat or what I want to do today, I am so used to you. I felt like crying but I guess I ran out of tears. I have my plans for the weekend mapped out last night but the minute I woke and thought of you, I just had to recall each one of them.

How I wish I can take control of the time. Being preoccupied can only go so far. I still have to battle with the invisible force of lull moments. At exactly 6PM, I had nothing to do so I chose to sleep. At some point in waking up, I cursed cyberspace. I had the urge to go online check my mail and yes, if anything comes up on you. Information can readily be acquired if you want it and yes, I more than wanted it. The opportunity somehow presented itself through our common connections and suddenly your very presence is alive more than ever. If he is indeed giving me sound advice from a conversation with you then damn! It just made it hurt some more. Maybe I have to be drawn to so much pain to stop thinking about us and you but I know in my heart that it would still mean the world to me even if you send me a spit.

Day 7

Tomorrow is exactly one week from the time you left. I can only create a virtual state of the past week without you and nothing to look back about us the next coming weeks. Yes, I still love you. Yes, I want to see you. I feel now how unfair it is on my part, on my side but realizing this will not help me either. I have written so many sad poems and songs and none of this has ever come to life until now. I am hurting and even more burned. I want to throw all your memories that I believe you left with so much love seven days ago. They say ignorance is bliss, that knowing less about you can make me get through this somehow but why is it even more painful? In the end, I still would like to believe that you did the right thing, that it was for our sake. In the same way that I have to accept the fact that this pain of doing the "right" thing will get better in the "right" time.

I told myself I will not whim into a song but then in order to make perfect sense out of the unjustifiable, I had no choice than to crack down into these pieces with no tune.

I withered undawned with any possibilities of seeing you. You crave for such beauty that I try so hard to understand when we both convinced ourselves that no regret shall be made.

I battle and cry to myself like a lost little girl caught up in the sobbing rain. As it is, I still chose to linger on these last days that I am with you. I find it nonetheless good that by the time we will part ways, I have drowned terribly in these soon-to-be-lost memories of us.

You call it melodrama, I call it a fight

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